Jim, I'm a little hesitant to share my true thoughts publicly because I don't want to face stigma and judgment, but I know many people silently struggle with the same issues. Staying silent will improve nothing.

My inclination is to agree with your assessment. If your partner doesn't pursue a diagnosis, treatment, or otherwise address their own issues, there's little reason to hope for a successful outcome. Easy for me to say, I know.

Speaking from experience, there's not really anything you can do other than get your own therapist and work on setting and sticking to healthy boundaries. Their actions are on them.

In fact, my suspicion is that any time partners spend "researching" is just a way for partners to feel like they have a sense of control they do not have. My partner has never spent an ounce of time "researching" and that's had little to do with the outcome of our relationship. I suspect if he had, it would have only fueled me to try and control the way he acted (for example, I would have denied responsibility by saying "you read online partners should act like this! You should act like this or I'll have an episode!")

Maybe read up on codependency. Spending long hours researching your partner's possible mental health conditions sounds codependent.

Couples counseling was actively harmful in my relationship. It allowed both of us to focus on what the other was doing wrong instead of reflecting on our own contributions. Individual counseling for both of us with separate therapists and no couples counseling proved far more helpful in far less time.

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is difficult stuff. My thoughts and prayers are with you.